


The Jacket I Can't Return

by tempered_lemon



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Car Accidents, Character Death, Haikyuu - Freeform, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Long-Suffering Sawamura Daichi, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sawamura Daichi is a Mess, Survivor Guilt, daichi angst, daichi goes through his feels while the world burns around him, daichi is not having a good time, daisuga - Freeform, haikyuu angst, haikyuu sad, implied daisuga, maybe some kagehina if you squint, someone get him a therapist, sorry daichi :(, suga angst, sugawara said sayonara
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-02
Updated: 2020-08-02
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:20:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25662013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tempered_lemon/pseuds/tempered_lemon
Summary: Daichi and Suga get into a car crash, but only one of them makes it out.
Relationships: Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi
Comments: 21
Kudos: 58





	The Jacket I Can't Return

**Author's Note:**

> TW: Please don't read this if you're sensitive to anything about/related to car crashes or suicide. Please remember to take care of yourselves! <3
> 
> Also "~" is there to show whats a memory, so a "~~" will mark the beggining and end of Daichi having a flashback.

As Daichi stepped into practice he pretended not to notice the pitying looks shot his way by his teammates. He couldn’t decide if the pity was better or worse than the worry that he had seen instead mere weeks ago. They used to look at him as if they were expecting him to drop dead any second.

_God he could only wish._

Practice ended uneventfully as always, and Daichi started heading off towards home by himself. There had been a little while where Asahi had offered to walk home with him sometimes after practice, but those days had come and gone. And while he was sure Asahi meant well, it just wasn’t the same.

The weather had turned foul and cold, which lead to a severe increase in the amount of people who chose to drive home rather than walk. Daichi himself lived a fair distance from the school and the trek home was no walk in the park. And yet he _refused_ to drive home… not again.

**~~**

The night had been perfect, clear sky’s so you could see the stars. They had the windows rolled down so that the warm nights air ran through their hair as they sung along to the radio. Suga had been driving, and even while singing along with Daichi he never once took his eyes off the road.

When the song ended they fell into a pleasant conversation, Sugas hand on the gear shift and Daichi’s hand on top of his. Everything about the moment was perfect, at least, that’s what they thought.

**~~**

Daichi arrived home at the same time he always did these days. He greeted his parents before heading off to his room, and ignored the worried glances they gave him. Just like he did every other night. He seemed to be stuck in some kind of routine, his life followed a strict schedule. He didn’t go out with friends, and never went to the store after practice anymore, on weekends he stayed home… it was as if all the joy and personality had been taken from his life. And in some ways, it had.

His room reflected his current state. There were nails on the wall were pictures had once hung, pictures that were now laying face down all over the room. There was an overflowing box shoved into a corner filled to the brim with souvinees and little gifts that he’d acquired over the years, all things he deemed too upsetting to look at, which is why they were collecting dust in a corner. There were tissues scattered across the floor from many long nights, and the bed looked like it hadn’t been made in months. Not to mention the carefully sealed cardboard box shoved deep into a cupboard, as if hiding it would make the contents go away. The whole room just screamed “ _something is wrong_ ”.

But nothing wrong. At least thats what he told himself. _He was fine_.

It was almost 2:00 am, and once again Daichi couldn’t sleep. But instead of just moping around in bed he opted to go for a walk. After checking the weather he decided he should grab a jacket, but while rifling though his closet he saw something that made his heart drop.

His whole body froze as he stared at the jacket that he had been _sure_ he had thrown in a box with the rest of the stuff.

_No no no…._

His whole body was shaking now, seeing the navy colors brought back a whole string of memory’s he had been trying so hard for the past few months to forget. He heard the sounds, the screaming, that had plagued his nightmares ever since he first heard them.

He had to get out, he had to get as far away from his room, and that jacket, as he could. So he did. He grabbed his phone and he ran, hoping that if he ran fast enough, he could run away from the memory’s.

**~~**

The night had been going perfect. There wasn’t another car in sight, they had the road to themselves and in that moment they felt like they had the _world_ to themselves. Upbeat music played in the background as they talked idly about whatever came to mind, they weren’t worrying about graduation or any upcoming games, no, they were just happy to be together in the moment.

They were on their way to Daichi’s house to drop him off after staying at Sugas all day to ‘study’. They were only about a mile away from his house, with no traffic, they didn’t think it would take more than five minutes…

At the time they would have never guessed, that they would never make it to Daichi’s house.

**~~**

Daichi ran and ran, until he had to stop to catch his breath. After quickly looking around he realized that he couldn’t have picked a worse place to stop.

His head started spinning and his stomach felt nauseous, like he needed to puke but there was nothing left for him to throw up.

This street, this spot. He’d been here, _god_ he’d been here alright. There was still a dent in the fence, and skid marks on the road.

His feet gave out from under him and he fell forward, stumbling out into the road, just barley managing to catch himself. Next thing he knew he was throwing up, the memory’s felt too real here. He could still _feel_ it, he could still faintly smell the bitterness of gasoline and alcohol… it made him sick.

But that wasn’t the worst part, in the back of his mind he could… he could _see him_ again.

**~~**

Five minutes. They had been five minutes away from Daichi’s house when the car came out of nowhere. The headlights had been off, maybe broken. And they had been to interested in their conversation to differentiate the sound of the engine from the radio.

It had all happened too fast. The sound of breaks screeching, the car wheels whirring against the road, something that sounded somewhat like a horn?

The next few seconds happened in slow motions. The airbags inflated, which limited his vision severely. But he didn’t need to be able to see to feel the impact. His whole world seemed to shift on contact, he felt his body pull against his seat belt, and thought for a second the car was about to tip over from the sheer weight of the collision.

But the scariest part was the screaming. He didn’t notice he was screaming until he was the only one. The screams of pure terror that came from the drivers seat started just before the contact, but what was scarier to Daichi, was how they also stopped as soon as he felt the cars making contact.

**~~**

By the time Daichi didn’t think he had anything else in his system to throw up he sat up. It was pitch black out, save for the warm glow coming from the street lamps. In different circumstances the scene would almost be beautiful, once again the stars were out and the scene was quite picturesque, almost like a snapshot in time, not including Daichi getting sick on the other side of the road.

Daichi hadn’t _ever_ wanted to come back here. It didn’t matter how long it had been, whether two months had passed or two years, he would _never_ be able to come back to this spot without thinking of him.

He dragged his vomit covered self up to begin the trek home.

_He was fine._

By the time practice had rolled around the next day, Daichi still had yet to tell anyone about what happened the night before… not that he planned to. Though it was obvious to the rest of his team that something was up with him, he was acting even stranger then usual.

No one was planning on confronting Daichi on his strange behavior, that was at least until Daichi made one especially impressive spike and turned around ready to celebrate with his partner, only to find no one there.

Everyone watched on in silence as Daichi’s smile fell and turned into a pained expression almost as if he was trying to hold back tears.

His hands were clenched into fists to try and stop their shaking, though it wasn’t working particularly well.

“Goddammit Suga…” It was more of a mumble than anything, but the gym was quiet enough everyone could hear it.

“YOU CANT JUST LEAVE ME HERE WITH JUST YOUR _JACKET_ LEFT OF YOU!!” He cried out, his voice cracking slightly as he talked.

The rest of the gym sucked in a breath. None of them had seen Daichi explode like that, and his voice sounded so… hurt, that no one knew what they were supposed to do, or say, if anything.

**~~**

When Daichi got out of the wrecked car the first thing he did was run over to the drivers side. There were people running out of their houses to see what had happened, and those who had already made it out were screaming. But Daichi didn’t notice, just like he didn’t notice any of the pain searing through his body as he staggered to the other side of the car. He had only one thing on his mind, ‘ _why did the screaming stop??’._

When he made it over to the other side he had to muffle another scream. Suga’s side of the car had been completely crushed inward, and the window had been shattered. Daichi could barley see through the tears as his hands tried to pry open the crushed door. He still trying when he heard the sirens nearby, how long had it been?

He gave up on the door and reached in the window feeling for _something_ to prove Suga was still in there.

“SUGA? Suga c’mon buddy where are you?” He cried. Still searching around for something

His hand finally made contact with something soft and familiar just as the authorities pulled up. His hands had found Sugas hair, but something was off about the texture. He pulled his hand back to find it shimmering in the street lamp, his hand was covered in blood.

“Suga? No no no…”

**~~**

No one had said anything since Daichi’s outburst. No one knew quite what to say. Asahi decided to break the silence.

“Daichi…” But before he could even finish Daichi was on his way out of the gym.

Nobody tried to stop him, and by time they could debate whether or not someone should go after him, Daichi was long gone.

“Should someone….” Noya started.

“No. I think he wants to be alone right now.” Coach Ukai looked shocked at the Captains outburst, but not surprised. As if he had seen this coming.

“I don’t know Coach, he looked kinda lonely…” Hinata had moved to hide behind Kageyama when Daichi started yelling.

“Maybe… but I don’t think it’s any of us he wants to see right now.” Asahi looked sad. Like he wanted to go after his friend but knew better. After all Asahi had gotten to see how truly hard this had hit him, he had been there the morning after the… incident.

**~~**

By then the police EMT’s were at the scene. A couple doctors tried to pull Daichi away to check on his own wounds but he refused. He refused to leave until the workers opened Suga’s door. He refused to leave until he got to see that Suga was ok. Right now _Suga_ was his first, and only priority.

He had told the doctors about the blood on his head and they were waiting on standby for the second they got him out. But something about the door had been jammed and it was taking much longer than Daichi thought it should be. Not to mention that the airbag was still inflated, and that paired with the dark night made it almost impossible to see anything inside the car.

But then, by some miracle, they _finally_ got the door open. There were shouts from the police and the doctors, everyone ready for whatever they were about to see when they pulled the boy out of the wrecked car, but no amount of preparation could prepare Daichi for what he saw.

Sugas neck and head were covered in blood, and his shoulder was definitely not where it was supposed to be. The rest of his body was covered with cuts and scrapes varying in size from the glass and other debris. But he seemed to be out cold. That was his guess at least, and before he could even get close enough to reach him Suga was ushered onto the stretcher.

Before they had even finished loading him onto the ambulance a doctor held up a hand to stop, talking hurriedly to her co-workers. They made it onto the ambulance anyway but didn’t make any move to leave.

Daichi was standing behind all the first responders, he was trying to pay attention to what they were talking about but it was all just a bunch of big words his mind couldn’t quite process, and he was more concerned by how deathly pale Suga looked lying against the blue stretcher.

Daichi moved so that he was sitting next to Suga’s unconscious body. He knew he was crying, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. He reached down to take Suga’s hand in his, as he ran his hands through Suga’s silver hair, doing his best to avoid any bloody spots (not wanting to hurt any of his injury’s).

Looking at Suga’s limp body he couldn’t help but feel guilty, he should be the one who got hurt, not his Suga. Suga had never done anything wrong in his life, so how he could possibly deserve this.

Daichi was to distracted in his thoughts to notice the EMT who walked up to kneel next to him.

“Hello, it’s Daichi, right? I-”

“I’m not leaving his side. Not until he wakes up.” Daichi looked over at her, still holding one of Suga’s hand between both of his. But he didn’t miss the way she flinched at his words.

“Don’t worry I wouldn’t ask you to, but…” She had a very sweet voice and spoke in a very calm and even tone, but something about that put Daichi on edge. Sweet talkers were always the bearers of bad news, he had learned that much in his life.

“I’m so _so_ sorry to tell you this but, your friend here… he didn’t make it.”

Silence.

Daichi looked back at Suga, lying deathly still, and his face had lost all color. Daichi moved one of his hands down to Suga’s writst feeling for a pulse.

“No…”

He jumped up, reaching his hand out to Suga’s neck to check again. Still… nothing.

“No, no, NO!” This couldn’t be happening.

Daichi bent over the table to put his ear against Suga’s heart… no heartbeat. He wasn’t even breathing.

Suga… was dead.

**~~**

Daichi hadn’t slipped up like that in a long time. He had gotten use to the lack of Suga’s presence. It wasn’t that he didn’t think about it, every second of everyday, no, he just didn’t expect it anymore.

For a long time Daichi thought that he should be the one dead instead of Suga, he still thought that. But he also felt no matter what happened it would’ve been fine if it had happened to both of them. They could get through anything, so long as they were together. But splitting them up like this just seemed unfair.

He was slightly surprised no one followed him out after his little outburst though. Maybe… everyone just gave up on trying to help him, not that he could blame them.

Daichi made his way home, ignoring the questions from his dad about why he was home so much earlier than usual. He mumbled some lie about a party and hoped his dad would be excited at the idea of him getting out of the house, his plan seemed to have worked because his dad said something about having fun before Daichi could close the door to his room and make his way to his closet.

He dug around until he found the jacket once again. It was a simple navy blue jacket with a zipper in the front, and there was a little white star towards the top. The jacket was utterly simple and plain, and yet it meant the world to Daichi.

That night with Suga Daichi had forgotten his coat, and so of course, being the gentleman he was Suga had given Daichi his. Daichi had planned to give it back the next morning so he wouldn’t be cold without his jacket all day, but that tomorrow never came. But holding his jacket in his hands, Daichi wondered if Suga was cold right now without it.

Jacket in hand he made his way back downstairs. He had an idea, and the thought excited him more then anything had in months. After coming to this new resolve he felt more at peace with himself and the situation, and the smile he shot his dad was one of the first genuine smile he’d had in a long time, and his dad seemed to notice.

“Well I’ll be out.”

“Have fun! Just call if you need me to come pick you up or anything, I know you don’t really do cars right now but…”

“Hey dad, thanks for being so supportive about this.”

“Uhh yeah, of course, anytime.” His dad didn’t really seem to know how to react to his sons praise. But he tried his best.

“Bye mom! Love you!” Daichi yelled in the direction he assumed his mom was. And after hearing her response he sent off towards his goal.

The walk he suspected would take him a good forty-five minutes at least. He was trying to think of ways to kill time when he felt his phone buzz in his pocket.

He checked his phone and saw that the notification had been from the team group chat. The chat used to be pretty lively back before Suga….

He quickly stopped that train of thought before it could go any farther, focusing instead on the messages themselves. From what it sounded like everyone was making plans to go out together, to some party someone from school was throwing. He laughed a little at the irony, thinking of what he had told his dad. But the party seemed like a pretty big deal if they even convinced Tsukishima himself to go out with them.

He killed his time by reading through their chats, he hadn’t quite found a good time to say anything yet so he was just kinda… lurking. By now the topic had made it’s way back to the party, and everyone was starting to get hyped up for it once again, even Asahi seemed to be excited which really says something.

Daichi wanted to be happy for them, he really did. He wanted to text them to have fun, or not to stay out too late but his fingers just wouldn’t quite move to type out the words. All he could think about was them all drinking to much once they got there, who would take them home? If something happened to any of them he could never-

The sidewalk ended before he noticed and it caught him off guard. When he looked up at his surroundings he could see his destination. He smiled slightly, happy he had finally made it, but his attention turned quickly back to his phone screen.

Daichi almost sighed out loud from relief when he read that Asahi would be the designated driver for the group, he knew Asahi would take care of everyone and the thought of Asahi trying to take care of a drunk Karasuno made him laugh to himself. He typed out a quick text to the group chat, nothing long or crazy just a simple;

“Be safe guys”

But the chat went silent for a moment. Unbeknownst to Daichi at the time, that would be the first text he’d sent to them since the accident, and no one knew quite what to say. The three simple words held so much meaning behind them, that much was clear. No one had to ask what he was referring to, everyone knew exactly what he meant when he said to ‘be safe’ coming home from a party with alcohol, in this case at least.

After everyone got over their momentary shock they each promised that they would, no jokes or misleading comments. Everyone seemed to understand that this wasn’t the time, nor person to be making those jokes to, especially not after Daichi’s outburst earlier in practice.

Satisfied with everyone’s response Daichi turned back to his original goal, his intent clear as day in his mind.

**~~**

The rest of the night had been a blur for Daichi. He vaguely remembered talking to a couple officers about something or other. But his mind more or less was on autopilot. He remembered when his parents showed up, there was hugging and crying, but nothing in his memory stood out to him as much as when Suga’s family showed up.

The sound of a mother who just found out she lost her son is a sound that would bring anyone to tears. The scream when they were directed to the stretcher was a sound Daichi didn’t think would ever stop ringing in his ears. But something about her scream brought back a much rawer memory, it reminded him of another scream he had heard in the moment just before, he presumed, he had lost his best friend.

And suddenly he was reliving it all again, the screams, the pain, all of it. But this time when he looked over his shoulder, there was no happy face smiling back at him, and there was nobody holding his hand. Now when he looked behind him all he saw was a ruined car and his friends’ corpse.

It wasn’t supposed to end like this.

**~~**

The wind was cold, which probably had something to do with the river somewhere below him. He pulled Suga’s jacket tighter around himself, trying his best to ignore how it still smelled like him. That was really _not_ what he needed to be focusing on right now.

The area was deserted except for himself. He hadn’t see anybody on his walk up here either, which was all the better to him.

Daichi had been here a few times before, with Suga in fact. They had came here together because they thought it’d be a cute spot for a picnic. Something about sitting hundreds of feet above a dangerous river makes the whole idea seem strangely romantic.

The bridge was a pretty standard size, it would take about 5 minutes to cross on foot, so it was mainly just used by runners crossing over into the forest paths. But what made it so appealing was that halfway across the bridge it opened up into a circle, with benches surrounding the sides so you could sit and look out at the river, and there was a small grassy section in the middle of the circle. The whole area was very scenic, especially at night when you could come with just a picnic blanket, lay it down in the grassy area and stare up at the stars.

But today Daichi’s focus wasn’t on stargazing or going on cute date with anyone, no, he was here for something else entirely.

Against his better judgment he brought the jacket up to his face, trying to surround himself in the scent of it. The jacket still smelled distinctly like laundry soap, he assumed his mom had found it on the floor and, thinking it was his, had washed it, that would explain how it had ended up back in his closet when he was sure he had put it with the rest of Suga’s stuff.

But under the smell of soap, he could still faintly smell him. It smelled like the forest, the dark pines that always reminded him of Christmas, but also the crisp smell of the ocean early in the morning before the tide had come in.

_God he missed that smell._

The sun looked like it had just started setting by the time Daichi had brought himself back to reality. He checked his phone for the time, it was about a quarter past eight. It was already later than he had planned, not that it mattered much.

He made his way over to the grassy portion, laying down on the soft grass starting up at the sky.

_I wonder if you can see me up there? If you could, what would you say about what I’m about to do? I know what you would say… not that it matters, I can’t do this anymore, not without you. And I would do **anything** to be with you again…_

The sky didn’t seem to have anything to say in response to his inner turmoil. He sighed, sitting up and pulling out his phone only to open it to the teams group chat. He did really have anything specific planned out that he wanted to say, but he felt like they owed them at least a goodbye. So he typed out a quick message;

-Hey guys, I hope your party is fun… and I’m really sorry. Please believe me when I tell you it’s better this way, I know I let you guys down. I haven’t been a good captain ever since we lost Suga. But I wanted to thank you guys for everything, really. Whatever happens, please keep moving forward and watch out for each other, don’t let my choices stop you. I just… can’t deal with the loneliness anymore. I’m so, _so_ sorry.

-Goodbye guys.

Daichi sent the texts before quickly putting his phone back in his pocket. He didn’t want to see their responses. Their was nothing that anyone could say to change his mind, there was nothing anyone could say that would bring _him_ back.

_Hey Suga. Are you cold up there?_

He made his way over to stand on one of the benches. He felt his phone vibrating like crazy in his pocket.

_You know, you forgot your jacket when you left._

He stood on top of the edge, it was barley big enough for him to keep his balance on. He glanced down at the river running hundreds of feet below him. There was a slight breeze blowing up from the chilly water, but it was relaxing, in a way.

_Don’t worry,_

He stepped off. He clutched the jacket tighter against the wind.

_I’ll bring it with me._

___________________________

BREAKING NEWS: High school 3rd year Sawamura Daichi found dead after presumed suicide. This is believed to be connected with the loss of his close friend and Vice-captain only a few months back. But his friends and family have yet to release an official statement. We’ll keep you updated on any further developments, and we’ll keep his family in our hearts during this difficult time.

____________________________

_I wasn’t ready to say goodbye._


End file.
